I have been listening to some uplifting, encouraging, faith building songs lately in hopes of keeping my spirits up. One of my favorite feel good songs is Martina McBrides song Anyway. The message is so true. No matter what your problems are, if you put your faith in God, all will turn out for good. Life may not be perfect, it may not be what you had planned, but it is still good. So, whenever I need a little mood-booster, attitude lifter I listen to some inspiration music.
One of Dan's favorite cancer songs, if you will, is Tough by Craig Morgan. It made me cry the first time I heard it. Anyone who has gone through cancer knows that this song says it how it is.
I had some links to some youtube videos of these songs, but the videos are no longer available on you tube. You can listen to the songs on seeqpod.com
Over the past couple weeks, 2 women battling the same type of breast cancer who were diagnosed at almost the exact same time as me have passed away. My heart breaks for their friends, families, husbands and children. I can't help but ask myself, why? Why am I still here, and they are gone? Why did my first battle of chemo work, and theirs didn't?
Of course I know the sunday school answer. Heavenly Father has a plan, and only he knows how long we will be on the earth to accomplish our purposes, and learn and grow and be tried. There is just so much guilt that I feel because I am here, and they are not. They both had husbands and young children that needed them. Why did they die, and not me? Am I accomplishing the things I need to, am I doing the things I should? Am I learning and growing? I like to believe that I am.
It is almost time to start aggressive chemo again. I can feel myself getting sicker as my tumor load grows. I am in pain and discomfort a lot. I am weary and bone tired, all day. It is hard to find energy to do even the most simple of things. More areas are hurting. My stomach hurts all the time, and I am not digesting food. It is just going straight through me. There are some concerning changes taking place along my mastectomy scar line. It is getting inflamed again, and bumpy lumpy and itchy, along with stinging pain. I think the start day for Taxol will be sooner rather than later. Probably August 19th. At least that is just right before school starts. Time for battle number 2. Hopefully it works effectively and quickly!!!
We are going to HOT HOT HOT St. George the beginning of next month. When it is that hot outside, swimming feels wonderful. I get a lot of relief from my bone pain by floating in the water. We also hope to see a Tuachan outdoor theater musical while we are down there. I am hoping for the Sound of Music. That was one of the first musicals I ever saw, and I love the music for it. Bekah is also hoping to get a lot of school clothes shopping done.
Well, this rambling post is all over the place, but it is 2:30 in the morning while I am typing this. Dan is gone to Scout camp with Blake so he isn't here to tell me to turn off the computer and go to sleep. I guess I probably ought to anyway!
So, if you are the praying type, please pray for the sisters in cancer who passed away, Andrea Collins (aka Punk Rock Mommy) and Kim Frankin (kimmie39) and their families. I know Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers. We may not always get what we ask for, but we always get what is best for us. Because He loves us.
To start, I would like to apologize for my previous negative post. I really try my hardest to not focus on the negative, but every once in a while, it is hard to see past the negative of cancer and treatment.
In my previous post I focused on the bad things about having cancer and treatments, so for this post I am going to focus on the positive.
Positive things about cancer and chemo
1. Easy to get ready for the day with no hair to comb. Just pick a hat or wig, put it on, and away you go!
2. All of the help I receive. Last time I was on chemo, I had friends, family and church members bring in dinners three times a week, babysit my kids every afternoon so I could rest (and spoiled my kids rotten!)
3. Lots of help with cleaning my house. My house hasn't looked this good since I had just 2 kids to keep up with.
4. All of the pretty flowers I received.
5. Last summer, the weeds in our yard would miraculously disappear!!!!
6. My yard makeover.
7. Yummy treats dropped off just because from friends and neighbors. I don't think there was a time we didn't have a plate of cookies or treats on our kitchen counter. And no matter how lousy I felt, cookies and cupcakes always tasted good!!!!
8. I get to take a nap every day, and no one thinks badly of me for it.
9. Having a handicap parking permit.
10. Not having to shave my legs!
11. Quick weight loss, I lost 20 pounds in 5 months.
12. Gaining a stronger relationship with my family.
13. Not taking things for granted, like every breath, every heartbeat, and every moment. I now treasure every moment with my children, reading stories, playing games, watching movies, eating dinner together, going on vacation together, laughing and joking around. Each of these moments is precious.
14. My sisters taking turns watching my kids every week when I went in for treatment, and my mom and husband sitting with me through all of those hours and days at the hospital.
15. Having my faith in Jesus strengthened, and all of the miracles that came out of handing Him my burdens, and having Him help me through all of those hard days. I know I wouldn't have made it through those hard months without Him. And I know that I will be able to make it through chemo again, if I put my trust in the Lord.
I just need to remember the scripture "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." Philippians 4:13
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To start off, thank you everyone for letting me know that you still check up on me, and enjoy reading my ramblings. I really appreciate all of your support!!!!
I had a really good week. My energy is finally starting to return, and I can actually go a whole day without having to take a nap. Of course, I over-do it for several days in a row, and then I crash for a day or so. I just need to have patience.  We had another birthday in the family last week. Abby turned 8. She wanted a Hannah Montana birthday party. Abby is a very friendly child, and so she invited 24 girls to her party. That was fine with me because I figured only half would come. Um, wrong. We ended up with 18 giggling, crazy, hyper, enthusiastic, energetic girls. It was very fun, but wore me right out. I had hoped for good weather that day, so we could have the party outside, but it was a cold windy day. So, we were stuck inside. Luckily my house was still standing after the party.
I gave a talk in church on Sunday about how hope in Christ can help us to have optimism. I am much more comfortable writing my feelings than speaking in public. I spent hours and hours preparing my talk, and then I just ended up blubbering for 10 minutes. When I sat down after my talk, I couldn't even remember what I had said. Several people told me they enjoyed my talk, though. The gist of my talk was that when times are hard, if we trust in Jesus Christ, we can have hope that everything will work out. All of our trials, and heartaches, are learning experiences. As we go through these trials, if we can have faith, we can receive the help we need to endure our trials well. Sometimes we bring our trials on ourselves, and sometimes they just happen (like getting cancer). That is the purpose of this life. If we never had sorrows or hard times, we wouldn't have joy or appreciate the good times.
I had my cancer treatments again today. It was a really long day at the hospital and I am exhausted. My stomach already is upset, and I feel lousy. But even though that is bad, my sister was kind enough to watch my boys today, my neighbor brought dinner tonight, and a friend is watching the little boys tomorrow so I can rest. And while I was at the hospital today, my house was cleaned top to bottom by another friend. So even though I don't enjoy feeling yucky, I am continually blessed by the help and support from friends and family. I couldn't do it without all of you!!!!!!!!!!!
I love to scrapbook, and I love scrapbook magazines. So, I faced a real dilemma when I got the notice that my Creating Keepsakes magazine subscription was about to expire. It was time to renew for another year. The thought that kept running through my mind was, "Will I be here for another year?" I've already beat the odds by having such a miraculous response to the chemo, and the cancer staying stable. Would I be tempting fate by assuming I would be alive for another year??? No one should have to think about that, but certainly not a 29 year old gal!
I threw caution to the wind, and not only renewed my subscription, but renewed it for 2 YEARS!!!!! I'm not going to live my life afraid of dying. I am going to be optimistic and assume I am going to be here for many, many years.
(And at least if I don't make it that long, I will have enjoyed the time I was here!)
 Easter 2008
It seems like everywhere I go, people tell me how cute, darling, fun, etc. my hair is. If only I would have known, I would have chopped my hair off a long time ago!!! It is really fun to "do" my hair. I am trying out different styling goops to find the one that works. This is a hairstyle I never would have chosen for myself, but I'm glad that people seem to think it suits me. Who would have thunk.
If somebody offered to take away my cancer and all of my pain and misery and suffering, take me back to the day I was diagnosed, and have that event in my life never happen, would I take them up on that offer? I would have a guarantee that I would never have to go through having cancer or dealing with cancer. Would I take that offer and return my life to the way it used to be? I know that some of us long for the way things used to be, I find myself so very often longing for things to be back to normal.
Well, my husband and I had a discussion this afternoon about this exact same subject. Someone had asked him if he could take away my cancer, would he? The answer was no, and here is why:
It has been a year of suffering and pain. Months spent trying to find out why I felt so lousy, why I had so much pain, then me discovering IBC on IBC research website. Being certain that that was exactly what I had, and yet going to 3 different doctors to get brushed off and told that it was nothing, or engourgement, or mastitis. As I continued to get sicker, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, sick to my stomach all the time, in pain all the time.
By the time I was finally diagnosed, I was first RELIEVED to figure out what was wrong with me and I felt vindicated to know that it wasn't just all in my head, and that I wasn't overreacting, and that I wasn't a hypocondriac.
Final diagnosis, Inflammatory breast cancer stage 4, mets to the bones (Back, hip, pelivis, femur, ribs) and a spot of cancer on my lung. Breast Tumor area is 9 inches around and 2 inches deep. (feels like a baseball in my breast)
I survived a 2 week whirlwind of tests and scans, biopsies and doctors visits. Within a week of being diagnosed, I had my port placed and chemo started.
I have finished 17 treatments of Taxol & Herceptin. I then had a modified radical mastectomy. I had a hysterectomy with ovaries removed. I am still on weekly Herceptin and monthly Zometa, and am currently doing radiation (5x a week for 6 weeks). Not to mention surviving these treatments, then you have the joy of paying for those treatments.
I lost my hair, I lost my eyelashes, and eyebrows, I lost some weight (YEAH!), I lost a breast, I lost my sense of taste and smell (which isn't necessarily a bad thing when you have to change your 20 month's old son's diapers) I tried not to loose my sense of humor, or my smile. I had a lot more fun going shopping for cute jammies instead of cute clothes. I seriously have more pj's than clothes in my closet now.
But lets take a minute here to talk about what I gained by having cancer
I gained an even closer, more loving, tender, relationship with my dear sweetheart, Dan. To see him take a more active role in the teaching, and caretaking of the children, To see him serve our family by doing dishes, washing laundry, all so I can rest. I know that even if my time here on earth is short, and if Dan has to take over my role in caring for our children, I KNOW he can do it, and he would be wonderful.
I feel a more profound and tender love for each of my children, and I have been able to see them step up and grow and help each other and me. I have seen their faith grow as with their simple prayers praying that Heavenly Father will make their mother all better. I take more delight in the simple things of reading a story with them, sitting and tickling their back, throwing a ball back and forth, or playing cars. There is more joy in the simple time we spend together.
There have been so many miracles wrought in our behalf. We have received countless hours of service from inspired friends and neighbors, who listened to promptings of the holy spirit, and filled a need for us without even being asked. We have had so many friends and family help watching the kids with all of my doctors appointments, surguries, test days, and sick days. Never once have we had an need that was not filled. We are so humbled by all of those who are willing to serve us, even those who don't really know us, but know OF us that have served and helped us. I had a small army of sisters come and clean my house from top to bottom. AMAZING!! The love that we feel from those that do that has brought such joy into our lives. The donations that have been freely given to us to help with doctor bills, or for Christmas for our family, friends being willing to do all of our shopping and wrapping of presents. Truly amazes me. I can say thank you a million times, and it still couldn't adequately describe the gratitude that my family and I feel. Saying Thank you just seems so trite, but I say it from the bottom of my heart, and hope those who have served and given feel that joy in their heart that comes from serving others.
So, even though this last year could be considered a year from hell, dealing with cancer and all of it's crap, this last year has been one of the best years of our lives. The blessings we have received, the tender mercies of our Heavenly Father, our testimonies of Christ, has brought our family together stronger than ever before. Old personality conflicts, once thought so deep and unsurrmountable, now have blossomed into precious, tender, friendships, where there once was jealousy and misunderstanding. The new friends we have met and been able to share this journey with has been another precious outcome from dealing with cancer. I wouldn't have met all of the wonderful gals who are also afflicted with this same disease. I find such comfort from them, and hope I bring a little of that comfort to your lives.
I am truly blessed. Not by having cancer, necessarily, but because of all of the wonderful things I have been able to see happen because I have cancer . I believe things happen for a reason, and when bad things happen, we can choose to learn and grow from them, or we can retreat into ourselves and become bitter and unhappy. I choose to grow and become what I am meant to become. I hope one day that I will be able to share this knowledge with others and be able to make someone's load lighter, like what has happened to me and my family time and time again.
Thank you all for being a part of my life, and my journey. I am so thankful for all of the love and prayers and support I receive. I cherish the friendships that have been forged, and the knowledge that I have learned.
So, I think I just might say, that what could possibly be the worst year in ones life, I am going to say that this has been the best year in my life. It is the best because I have never felt so loved, so looked out for, so richly blessed because of all those who step up and help and do so much more than we need, just because they want to help lighten our load. I feel so blessed to live where we live, around good people who truly love their neighbors.
So, no, I won't trade my cancer. Because I want to keep all of the precious experiences that have came into my life because of it.
Just thought I would share a funny experience I had last night. Not all of my hair has fallen out from the chemo, it just got really thin, and you can totally see my scalp. The hair that was left was about and inch long, and the roots of what had grown during chemo was white! So last week I shaved it down to match the new growth (also white fuzz). So now I have baby down fuzz that is 1/4" long, mostly white. It is super soft!
Last night my little brother Taylor came home from serving a 2 year church mission in Africa. My other little brother, Kristofor, was serving a mission in Canada when Taylor left, so it had been over 3 years since they have seen each other. Since Kristofor has been home, he has grown out his hair, and he has a curly mop of chin length hair. Anyhoo, after Kristofor had given Taylor a hug and welcomed him home, I came up, put my arm around Kristofor and pulled off my hat and said, "Where is the justice in this. He has all of this hair and I have none!" Everyone roared with laughter.
Now mind you, the only people who have seen me with my baby fuzz has been my mom and dad, husband and kids. All of my siblings, grandparents, and aunts haven't seen me. So, I'm sorry if I shocked you all. I am used to what I look like. Don't really like it, but at least I'm no longer shocked when I look at myself in the mirror.
 Here is what my fuzz looks like. I really miss my hair, and I think as soon as my scalp doesn't show through, I will ditch the hats and scarves and wig. It seems like I can forget about being bald when I am at home, but when I have a wig or hat on, I constantly think about it. So what do you all think? Different from the dark fuzz when I first shaved my head, huh! I wonder if it will stay white, or if I am doomed to "dye".
So here I am updating my blog. I had a couple of paragraphs typed up the other day to post, but Ammon came and pushed the power button and I lost my whole post.
Now I have a NEW computer. Dan surprised me with a new Apple MacBook for my birthday. So now I can sit anywhere and type.. In bed, in my recliner he recently bought me, at the hospital while getting chemo... etc. He is in so much trouble for spending so much money on me when we are already paying so much towards doctor bills. I joked with him that he is just buying me all of this nice stuff so he can have it when I die.
I enjoyed my week off from chemo. We had a fun Labor Day, and my sister in law Katie helped me take the kids to Brigham City Peach Day's this last weekend. It was really fun.
I actually feel so much better than I did before I was diagnosed with cancer on my good days. I was in so much pain and could hardly walk before from the bone mets. Now that my bones are healing, I can do so much more on the days when I'm not sick from the chemo. I look forward to the day when I am done with chemo. (which could be the middle to end of October).
I had a wonderful birthday. My kids did so much to make it special. They made me muffins for breakfast in bed, did a little parade with homemade parade floats, and were great about doing all their chores (with help from Dan's sister Ann).
Dan took me out to a really nice dinner at a restaurant called Hamiltons in Logan. They had the best service and delicious food. They really took there time serving you and it was a perfect evening.
I have several people ask me all the time how I can be so happy all the time when I have cancer. The reason is that I take time to enjoy life now and don't take things for granted. When you take the time to enjoy little things, then you are happier. There is always good in anything, you just have to choose to see it. You don't need to be sick with a terminal illness to do this. You just have to change your attitude. Also, people have been so kind and helpful, it is hard not to find joy. I have a neighboor, DeAnn who brings me flowers every week. They bring so much joy. We get cookies, goodies, and fresh produce from so many neighbors, it is so nice. Plus when you have so many people praying for you, it just helps you to get through the hard days. Some days I almost feel guilty because people do so much for us. It makes we wonder how people who don't have such a strong network of families and friends get through trials like this. I just have to be grateful to be so blessed, and look forward to the time when I can be healthy and be able to do for others like they have done for me.
Life is good!
Things I am grateful for today.
I'm grateful that I am still alive 3.5 months after being diagnosed with breast cancer. (Honestly when I was first told I had stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, I thought I was going to die, soon)
I'm grateful that I am feeling so much better than I was before treatment because the cancer is getting it's butt kicked. Yeah me, yeah herceptin, yeah Taxol, Yeah, Doc Hansen, doing a happy dance here! (And yes, I DO feel well enough to do a little happy dance...carefully. I wouldn't want to fall and break my cancer eaten hip)
I'm grateful that I can walk normally without pain, and that includes stairs and walking from the parking lot into Walmart without feeling like I ran a marathon.
I am grateful for a husband that is dating me now more than ever. I treasure our Tuesday night Bargain Movie night at Walker theaters. I love that he goes and buys me lunch during chemo so I have something to look forward to while I am spending 4-5 hours at the Doctor's office every week.
I am grateful for the drugs they give me to help with the side effects of the chemo treatments that make it possible for me to eat for a day and not feel sick. (Even though those same drugs make me wired and unable to sleep for 24-48 hours)
I am grateful for those who take time to care for my children so I can crash and sleep after not sleeping.
I am grateful that I had a desire to wake up at 5:00 am to go see a lunar eclipse. The next one isn't for 3 years, and I didn't want to miss my chance. I have an attitude of live in the NOW and TODAY, and I get excited about beautiful things in this universe. It was awesome and if you missed out, you'll have to wait 3 years.
I am grateful for the 3 delicious meals a week our friends and neighbors bring us. I am also grateful (and so are my kids) that I feel well enough to cook a favorite meal that they get to choose once or twice a week.
I am SO grateful that the kids are back in school with wonderful teachers stimulating their minds and filling their days with knowledge and learning, and thus filling my days with relaxation and peace!
I am very grateful that I don't have to go to Chemo next week, and will hopefully have some time to scrapbook and relax, and maybe go shopping. (It's my birthday in a couple of weeks. I told dan that since I am a druggie, he can just buy me some drugs for my birthday. -Legal-medically necessary-physician prescribed drugs- He just laughed. I wasn't kidding. I don't think he has ever had to spend so much money on me. I've tried not to be a high maintenacne wife with manicures, pedicures, monthly hair highlighting etc. Now I require thousands of dollars worth of drugs every month to keep me alive) Which leads me to my next thing...
I am grateful for our Health Insurance and Catastrophic coverage. Without this, we would be DEAD. (Or at least I would be). We have hit our yearly out of pocket maximum, and, now they are paying everything at a 100% until the end of the year. It is such a blessing that Dan is a wonderful provider for our family, and works so hard to provide everything that we need.
I am grateful for YOU all of our friends and family. Thankful for your well wishes, prayers, small gifts of bread, flowers, and other things that brighten our day.
I am grateful if you read this long post. This blog is more for me than anyone else so I can have a journal of my journey and experiences. And if some small way I can make a difference in someone else's life, that is just a bonus!
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